Nanna

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to say goodbye. The time has come for me to say goodbye to my beloved Nanna.

In some ways I have waited for this day, for her to be free of this life, for these past years have not been living for her. It has been painful to know her in her last years, her last months, her last days. She has not been happy, she has not really been “living”, although she has been alive. I thought I would be relieved for her, and in some ways I am, but I can’t stop the tears. I have missed her for so long already but today she is gone.

I keep hearing her voice in my head from my younger years, yelling at me, shaking her fist at me, making me promise not to let her “go like that”. Like she had seen others. “Don’t let me be like that.. take me up the back paddock and bloody well shoot me” she’d say to all of us.  Oh Nanna, I am so sorry you suffered in that broken body for so very very long.

We are born, we grow, we live, hopefully we love, and we grow old, and we die.

It’s the natural order of things. But it sucks. It sucks so badly. To lose someone you love, to know you will never ever ever see them again is so final. And it sucks.

But I still have my memories of Nanna,  and that gives me something to hold onto. Something to still love, something that I won’t lose till it’s my turn to go and it won’t matter anymore. Perhaps I will have a Granddaughter who writes about losing me, and who holds onto her own memories of me. Perhaps.

My Nan and I had some great times. She and I took a trip to Holland for 5 weeks together when I was 19. I will always treasure the fact that we did that together, it was very special, and we got to know each other very well, as she walked me through the streets of her childhood, introduced me to her large interesting family, and broke my heart with stories of the war.

This morning as I woke I felt the hot steady stream of tears trickling before I had opened my eyes. They rolled down the sides of my face and filled up my ears, my cheeks still salty from the night before. I just knew it would be a tough day before I had even got out of bed.

And it was.  

Rest in peace Nanna

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14 responses to “Nanna

  1. Oh Tania, I’m so sorry for your loss. Truly sorry – your post made me cry. Remember all the good times, but it’s ok to grieve for what you’ve lost too. It’s good for the soul.
    Best wishes for the days ahead.

    Fran xx

    • Fran, thanks for your message. Sorry to make you cry, I didn’t want to make my post too sad, I struggle with ‘what to write’ and ‘what not to write’. In fact I had written about the whole day, poured it all out into heartfelt words and then selected it all and replaced it with three words. “And it was”.

  2. Hug’s to you and your family Tania. I know how very special Nanna’s are.

  3. So very sorry to hear of the passing of your Nanna Tania …. my thoughts are with you at this very difficult time, as you say it is the natural order of things but like you I think it sucks!!

  4. Our very deepest sympathy to you and your family also to your Mum. Thinking of you all at this sad time. Nanna’s are very special.

    Love the McNaughts.

    • Thanks Pat – Nanna’s sure are special. I am so lucky to have some terrific memories with her of times we shared. She always treated me ‘special’ too, but maybe she had that effect on all her kids. She loved us all so very much.

  5. julie marchetti

    Just read your news…my thoughts are with you. Do what ever it is you need to do and do it for as long as you need to.
    Julie x

  6. Just read your blog… Tania it sounds like you have a very special nanna. I wish i could take your pain away Tania,Be kind to yourself,with time the
    pain will ease…

    Joanie.

  7. Condolences to you and all your family, Tania, how hard it is to lose someone so precious, regardless of how blessed a release their passing may be. John said the funeral was lovely, and you all gave a beautiful send off. Treasure the good times with Nanna, such times are the precious memories we can all enjoy after someone dear has passed.
    God bless,
    Helen xx

  8. Thanks Helen,
    I did see John, but didn’t get to say hello. He would have heard me blubbering the beginning of my turn on the microphone, but I said what I needed to say and my Nanna would have been proud of us.
    It meant a lot to Pop to see the taxi mates there. He was surprised at the amount of people there on the day.
    Thanks again.
    Kind regards
    Tania xx

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