There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to say goodbye. The time has come for me to say goodbye to my beloved Nanna.
In some ways I have waited for this day, for her to be free of this life, for these past years have not been living for her. It has been painful to know her in her last years, her last months, her last days. She has not been happy, she has not really been “living”, although she has been alive. I thought I would be relieved for her, and in some ways I am, but I can’t stop the tears. I have missed her for so long already but today she is gone.
I keep hearing her voice in my head from my younger years, yelling at me, shaking her fist at me, making me promise not to let her “go like that”. Like she had seen others. “Don’t let me be like that.. take me up the back paddock and bloody well shoot me” she’d say to all of us. Oh Nanna, I am so sorry you suffered in that broken body for so very very long.
We are born, we grow, we live, hopefully we love, and we grow old, and we die.
It’s the natural order of things. But it sucks. It sucks so badly. To lose someone you love, to know you will never ever ever see them again is so final. And it sucks.
But I still have my memories of Nanna, and that gives me something to hold onto. Something to still love, something that I won’t lose till it’s my turn to go and it won’t matter anymore. Perhaps I will have a Granddaughter who writes about losing me, and who holds onto her own memories of me. Perhaps.
My Nan and I had some great times. She and I took a trip to Holland for 5 weeks together when I was 19. I will always treasure the fact that we did that together, it was very special, and we got to know each other very well, as she walked me through the streets of her childhood, introduced me to her large interesting family, and broke my heart with stories of the war.
This morning as I woke I felt the hot steady stream of tears trickling before I had opened my eyes. They rolled down the sides of my face and filled up my ears, my cheeks still salty from the night before. I just knew it would be a tough day before I had even got out of bed.
And it was.
Rest in peace Nanna